well hidden desires...

Dear Diary,

I’ve been a little bit fallen off the map and for that I’m really sorry but this week has been sucking the life out of me. With a little to sleep and the third week passing by without a weekend off- I was quite lifeless. My best friend basically bagged me to go hacking with her at the weekend for three days. I wasn’t sure. So it just happened that I also could go on Friday to walk around with a very nice semi-sized mare. With three and a half months without riding, more than 1 and a half year not hacking and been in dressage saddle only few times- I felt like losing my virginity- awkward, inexperienced and little bit painful.

Today still not sure if it is such a good idea to go hacking into the woods I crawled up on the same sweet horse. I felt better. I hadn’t been riding together with my best friend since my first year in Denmark and we used to ride together every day. It was fun but when we got into the woods. I remembered- the feeling well hidden in the back on my mind. I remembered how much I love riding and hacking. My legs still tried to adjust but my body and mind relaxed with every step. So, that’s what I have been missing out!

And now I feel like the life had got into me, like I’m back in the horse world again, because to be honest I kind a put myself more in my writing world than in my horse world. And that just might give me the perfect scene in my book „The way back home!”

Hopefully it will be good enough to see daylight one day..!

Cheers and I wish you all the best times with your horses!:)

Photo my ex- horse. Photo by linda m photography...

Longings...

Dear Grooms diary,

There have been some changes in my life. Well, for starters I have moved across Denmark. Yup that’s right- me, my best friend 4 enormously big suitcases and 5 hour trip in train. That was after I had my 1 week vacation back in Latvia which is a whole different story from todays. Today I want to talk about longings. And by the way I’m grooming for dressage now.

I was excited to try something new. My excitement lasted only for few weeks since I realized that grooming for dressage is pretty much the same as show jumping, however, I did learned some new things and I keep doing that. What is different? It is much higher attitude towards horses and your work, there are a lot more horses and lot more to think and take care of. Horses come and go. Team stays consistent which is something different from what I had seen working in Belgium. I like it.

The story today is about longings for your own horse. Since this temptation to have one again takes me over more often. When I was 16 I wanted a horse so badly that I would do anything to get it and despite my father’s protests I saved up money and I got my horse and all the responsibility and troubles that came within. I shared some fantastic moments and it is an experience I will savor forever and I do not regret. But I will not argue that my desidions made life so much harder and heartache richer. So here comes what I have learned:

1.       Do think about money! Horse takes a lot of it. When I was a kid I saw it simple- hardest is to buy a horse, but that is not quite true. Bills you will get for stabling, extra food, blacksmiths, competitions and the worst of all vets can become a life sucking monster. The best way to know it- if you can afford this fantastic creature is to calculate your maximum expanses and then add a 100. This amount you should have on all times just for your horse. I’m telling this based on fact that there are horses that needs a lot of extra food or vet checks and if you cannot provide it you might end up in big heartache when your beloved animal is skinny, unhappy and worst of all unhealthy.

2.       Be sure you have the time. Time is essential since your own horse is like your child – it needs attention, care, daily ridings and paddock time. It would be sad if one day you realize that someone else is riding your horse more than you for lack of time and you end up paying for it. Is it really worth it? 

3.       The last but not least important thing would be making sure you by the horse you need. The biggest mistake I did when I bought my first horse was I had no clue what I really wanted and frankly neither did I care as long as it was my own horse. I ended up with a young hobby horse, when in reality I needed an experienced competition partner. Be wise- choose good!

4.       BE sure you have an Access to a trainer. Maybe you feel experienced enough but the truth is that everyone needs a trainer once in a while. Unlimited access can help you towards your goals.

                                                                                                                         

There are more on theme „owning a horse” but these are things I remind myself whenever I’m eager to jump pin this train again. I will one day first I have to stand on my two feet, have my own place, consistent income and time for my partner.

So tomorrow I’m going to see what the buzz around Herning stallion show is.http://www.danishwarmblood.org Make sure to check out next week how it went!

white frost and heart full of hot chocolate

A cup of coffee and some Christmas cookies whit Emily and her Big Big World as a background is a perfect end of a day. Day that started with mumbling over my alarm, a headache and no understanding of why on earth I am so tired if went to bed at ten turned out to be a very good one. I did so much and things just went… It was a pleasant change after my two bad day session from which Friday was a definite ‘left leg out of bed’ day.

I had to turn my works around and start with clipping instead of box cleaning. I managed to clip two horses which is the biggest and most satisfying work of the day. My little striver was striver with the big s! He left me speechless by standing so still and nice while I was clipping. I remembered the last year, when he was more of seaweed than anything else (and I wasn’t even clipping the legs). I am so proud of him.

All day long there were people but nobody seemed to get in my way of doing things and it was quite relaxing. I started to teach my baby horses to stand with the blankets. They are growing up- few weeks from now they will be clipped and wrapped up in blankets, shivering when the cold November wind will caught them unprotected. So much done today and so much to do- the never ending story. But it sets a rest in my soul. I still remember a simple picture from a book somebody gave me on my graduation ceremony in middle school with hot-air balloons and a quote that was something like: “Always dream big, set your aims high so you will always have something to live for, to work for” Humans biggest fear is to stop dreaming and reach their aim that wasn’t that high and have nothing left. I fear the day All my dreams come true- my life will end. That’s why I choose things that can always be brought further ahead. And just like that day I still everyday thank God for so much to do. It is a blessing.

Meline’s third place with Tara on the Medium tour broke the ice between us that was there after my ‘bit’ mistake. Can’t say I blamed her for her modesty still feel a little guilty. But the good news is that we needed that second bit and I don’t make so many mistakes after all.

Going back to my Christmas cookies every year around this time I dream about Christmas, for some reason this is the time when I feel Christmas and long for them. In mornings when it is still icy cold and ground is covered with white frost I feel warm from the inside. I impersonate all those emotions people have during Christmas and I never have. ( I even watched a Christmas movie last week!) As always my timing is impeccable.

I got my new ‘bible’- Roget’s A-Z Thesaurus. I just can’t get any geekier! I am starting to slowly accept myself as a writer or truth is told- struggling writer to be! Now we have to see what the rest of the world will think about that!

1. September

So last week our two 4 year old had their 1. September- their first show! When we were there I shared a lot of different feelings.

Young horses are like little children- you take extra care and love for them, you teach and try your best to make a "perfect horse- partner" When they arrive they are so small, so green: they don't give legs, they can't stand still, they are afraid of jumps, no water from pipe and so on. Day by day- they learn and grow - wiser, stronger- they grow into a horse. I have seen this so many times but still feel the same. I am so proud of them when they behave and stand still, jump everything, they look so different they have grown up without you even realizing that.

I also feel sad. it is like they have their own lives now, and you no longer play such a n important role. You have to slowly let them go. There is not much I can teach them anymore as a groom, the rest lays on riders shoulders. But the beginning belongs to me.

Luck for me I still have one kinder gardener. Who I left with the rider a lone for the first time in the begging of September and felt like I am leaving my baby with Nanny for the first time, kept checking my phone every few minutes. O we parents... And thats what we are:)

31.05.2011.

B-Day’s Discovery Channel

I am turning 20! The second decade of my life has officially started. You know I have never liked birthdays. For some reason they always have liked with disappointments, bad mood and even tears. So some time ago I stopped to celebrate them and it was fine with me. Nobody made too much of a deal of it (Except Lasma of courseJ), people barely remembered.

And here comes another truth. Birthdays is your one special day which kind a shows what kind of a person you are. How many greeting you get, how many long forgotten persons do remember about you? I think it shows how nice of a person you are. And when your greeting count is little it gives you more disappointment than idea that “you do not want to make a big deal of your birthday”. The truth is that no matter how much antipathy you have for this day you will more hate to be forgotten.

I was never the most popular person more like distanced from everyone. I kept myself in a safe zone where I wouldn’t have to risk being friendlier than it was needed. But almost a year in abroad has changed me- it has forced me to adapt faster, to let people in.

And it is overwhelming. The little things I experienced today. My morning started with a “birthday breakfast”. Something I had for the first time in my life. Mia came to stable early and brought me breakfast. We drank coffee and talked about schools and exams and sea sickness (since we bought are the lucky ones to have it), fears and lots of other stuff. I learned that it is something you do naturally, like a tradition. In our family we ate breakfast together like three times a year. So it sound pretty impossible but nice I have to admit. And it is a tradition I will have to bring in my family as well.

Lotte greeted me from the morning as well. She give me my present and four big Danish flags ( It is like a tradition in Denmark to use and give their flag in birthdays and pretty much at any celebration). She took these flags and put them by stable door and inside arena door. A simple gesture, but then again simple moments like this make your life worth living for. It made me feel special.

But day at work was a bizarre. Nothing seemed to go quite as easy as I would like it to go and I almost lost my hope for having a perfect birthday. There was a bizarre with changing the fields and putting a new horse in the pack in which we didn’t succeeded. My boss had to point out more things than in this half year together. I felt like a wreck by the time I was finished and had to go eat without a shower. But…

I got few messages by phone and dozen cyber net greetings, a phone call from my sister and of course a phone call I admit I was waiting the most- my other half my best friend. She can turn my mood up by just laughing. Ou I love you so much! I got few very nice presents and finely a call from my parents. And no matter how much I would tell myself I didn’t care that they wouldn’t call me I was very disappointed that by almost nine in the evening they haven’t called me yet. And then a moment before I was about to take a shower my dad called me. I did however noticed that the conversation went on and on about them. But that’s I guess is a way of coping with our bad relationships when nether one of us know what to really say.And my dad sounded even nervous. But I realized that I liked it that way. In some way I feel more grown up when I don’t have to explain my every move and that my "I know all" dad turns out to be a simple human being. So I did not said anything that would compromise it- even tiny little lies that cover my education. I was too tired to fight in the only conversation we had in months and I am happy for them. as long as they don't start to live my life for me- I am okay with this chit- chat once in 3 or 4 months.

Frankly my mother is a different story. If my dad manages to ask few questions about me as well then my mother would give me a description about bed mattresses. And you really should buy one! You know it is really good for your back! We bought this amazing mattress. And then the conversation went on about plastic plates my dad had bought a day before And what else is new here? By then I had an inside giggle: “I never asked what’s new at their life!” (Not that I don’t really care it’s just that she calls me one time in four moths and gives a description about mattress. You have to admit that that is weird and funny in the same time, but then again my mother can’t be taken serious if you do you might want to kill her) And at the end of the conversation I gave her advice how to rise my youngest sister (she is 12 and goes and does whatever she wants) Well 20 did change things! Suddenly I am capable of giving an advice for my mother on how to be a mother. (Not that I couldn’t give it her before) But I sounded more grown up to myself when I explained something so simple in my eyes. And I might be a good mother one day as well.

I enrolled in a distance learning course in freelance journalism. I made a major decision in my life. I feel like my second decade has started on good note. (Well technically it is the third decade:))

It feels like a good beginning and a good birthday. But really this day showed me the person I have became in the past year, things I have learned and the direction where I am heading. And the person who became 20 today and I discovered moment by moment is a person I actually like to be.

And for those who hate their birthdays- do not imagine this day perfect because it will never be. Things will go wrong (it was a bizarre at work today) but there will be nice moments too- so make them count by remembering them. We can’t change the world but we can change the way we look at it. Happy birthday to everybody!

25.05.2011.

Home is where your heart is...

I used to come to Copenhagen and feel different. I used to walk streets of Koge and have this certitude that everyone knows I am different- I am not from here. Although everyone seem to be okay with the fact that I am non- Danish speaking person, some even found it very attractive still I felt like I quite don’t belong. And it wasn’t like I didn’t like it, most of the time I found it funny and refreshing. I used to make an excuses I wasn’t from here- so I didn’t had to speak or really understand them speaking. I had an excuse to not know towns, roads and buses.

Yesterday I went to shop to buy some batteries for my mp3 and I cashier started to speak with me. He asked for a change because he didn’t have anything to give me back. Even if I didn’t understood the words particularly I understood what he meant. And when he was waiting for me to answer I told him the same phrase I wear like an old sweeter (the one who protects you, makes your excuses). But I felt guilty and to be honest I no longer felt different. The society had accepted me- I had adapted and changed so much that I no longer felt like someone from abroad- I felt like Danish.

It is frightening in the same time- almost too easy to become someone else. Or am I? It is almost too easy sometimes to forget from witch country I am originally, almost too easy to dress myself in this new mentality.

I live here for 9 months now. And it make me wonder- is it possible to be born in the wrong country? And if not do I betray my nationality by finding my heart elsewhere? I grew up in a society who hasn’t forgot that they have been captured and they had to fight their freedom. And with “national patriotism” as a mantra we were brain washed. There is no better place than home, but isn’t home where is your heart? I think it took me all this time to get over this “if you leave Latvia you are lost and mole”. Now I can look back knowing that they was wrong and right in the same time.

There is nothing for me back in Latvia. I have found happiness (as corny as it sounds it is true). I belong outside Latvia. Am simply born in the wrong dot on the map and leaving is best I could ever do. But this cure doesn’t work for everybody. Most of them were meant to be born inside and their hearts do belong there. My home is somewhere else.

What happens when you find your missing piece?

Missing pieces

In life there are these happiness moments where time stands still and you don’t mind. At these moments sky seems to be bluer and sun brighter. Normally it happens when something some peace falls in where it is supposed to be. It is the click when you turn the key and the door opens. It is the moments we get the message from universe. That we find ourselves in the right place at the right time and the radio plays the right songs. Moments like this I can’t stop smiling. Moments like this you can do anything but you don’t have to…

Today I found my missing piece. When I left Latvia last June I wanted to find something. I was confused, skeptical and unhappy. I had no idea who I was and what I wanted to do. My head was staffed with ideas that I have to study and study something I can make a living of, not really caring if I love that. I was afraid and all I dreamt of was getting away. Somehow I knew that if I stayed I would drown myself in sorrow and grayness. It was like all the shadows were hiding in the back of my mind.

And when I went away I found a person I knew nothing about. I met her when I landed in Copenhagen’s airport. Yes, she was scared and unconfident. But during this journey she grew like burgeon into flower. Colors and life started to reflect in her eyes. She changed. It is a wonderful journey in which I found out who is she.

And today she and I became one person- we found our missing peace. And it is writing. During the last week I have become from ‘I just want to be a writer’ to ‘I actually do something to be a writer’ and it feel good. I am reading and writing to train my fingers and I am studying the art of creating plot and characters will (hopefully) stay in mind. And that’s it. At this point I do not care f I will ever be published – I just want to write. I think I was domed to this when I was four or five years oldJ when my grandma tried to teach me how to read and I (lazy I know) read the story by looking at the pictures. My grandma figured that out and started to put a hand on pictures while reading. And the thing is that I always have liked to tell the stories. So I think I should do that. And I should finely read some of Stephens King’s booksJ.

Anyway I hope there is a chance for everyone to find his missing pieceJ!

P.S. I will write how things in stable are in the next blog:)