I guess it has finely become a time for me to do some writing. It has been almost nine months since I left Latvia and seven since I live here in Denmark. And sometimes even if there is not much happening beyond the surface there is a big iceberg moving under it.
There is an important thing that we all are afraid of. It is the change. Somehow it is in human’s nature to try to stop things from changing. We are afraid to get out of our familiar causality even if it makes us miserable. Right now all I can remember is trying to get out. Get as far away as I possibly can. And when it finely happened I was freaked out. First two months was tough and not only because I had a creapy job and things didn’t worked out the way I liked. But now when I look back I realize that those two months were my breaking point. In the same way it happens with all the young horses in breaking in process. They intend to fight the change, the struggle to keep things like they used to be. And after this breaking point they emotionally accept the change and start to work with people not against it. They develop trust that if it’s not broken will guide them through their lives.
So I needed these two months to break myself and accept the change. And what I develop after my breaking point was a trust, but since I already had burned myself and been betrayed it is not the thing that comes so easily. But I have learned that there is good in world and that there was good in my life all along.
Today I understand that no matter what- you can’t run away from your past. There will always be a moment when you will have to be brave and face it, after all life has this ability to cycle. And no matter how hard you try you can’t get rid of the people that have hurt you ( like family), because from time to time you will think about them, about what have happened, and even if you don’t want to admit running away still provide an ability to control you in a deep emotional way. But what I also understand that that it is possible that these people never meant to hurt you just to help you in the only way that they knew. Today we cannot exist side by side. But one day they will have to accept their breaking point as well and then who knows.
But what I have learned in these nine months that instead of running away I ended up moving on. I am changing with every day. And first time in m y life I don’t fight it. And I believe that it is the first step on finding my own way. But to move on means to forgive and let go of past (it only hunts us because we refuse to let go). And that is more difficult that it sounds. But I guess it takes time. And that is the only thing I have. Now that I am moving on I can become whatever I am meant to be and even if it is not today I will let it go… indeed I already have started to let go…
And I wonder how wise I have become in these nine months. J And soon is my birthday- I am turning 20. And I should feel old (that’s what most of people in my age feel – have no idea why) but instead I feel young- my life is only about to start. Andin few years I will be even wiser that today. That’s the thing about future- you will never know- you will have to let it happenJ…
