white frost and heart full of hot chocolate

A cup of coffee and some Christmas cookies whit Emily and her Big Big World as a background is a perfect end of a day. Day that started with mumbling over my alarm, a headache and no understanding of why on earth I am so tired if went to bed at ten turned out to be a very good one. I did so much and things just went… It was a pleasant change after my two bad day session from which Friday was a definite ‘left leg out of bed’ day.

I had to turn my works around and start with clipping instead of box cleaning. I managed to clip two horses which is the biggest and most satisfying work of the day. My little striver was striver with the big s! He left me speechless by standing so still and nice while I was clipping. I remembered the last year, when he was more of seaweed than anything else (and I wasn’t even clipping the legs). I am so proud of him.

All day long there were people but nobody seemed to get in my way of doing things and it was quite relaxing. I started to teach my baby horses to stand with the blankets. They are growing up- few weeks from now they will be clipped and wrapped up in blankets, shivering when the cold November wind will caught them unprotected. So much done today and so much to do- the never ending story. But it sets a rest in my soul. I still remember a simple picture from a book somebody gave me on my graduation ceremony in middle school with hot-air balloons and a quote that was something like: “Always dream big, set your aims high so you will always have something to live for, to work for” Humans biggest fear is to stop dreaming and reach their aim that wasn’t that high and have nothing left. I fear the day All my dreams come true- my life will end. That’s why I choose things that can always be brought further ahead. And just like that day I still everyday thank God for so much to do. It is a blessing.

Meline’s third place with Tara on the Medium tour broke the ice between us that was there after my ‘bit’ mistake. Can’t say I blamed her for her modesty still feel a little guilty. But the good news is that we needed that second bit and I don’t make so many mistakes after all.

Going back to my Christmas cookies every year around this time I dream about Christmas, for some reason this is the time when I feel Christmas and long for them. In mornings when it is still icy cold and ground is covered with white frost I feel warm from the inside. I impersonate all those emotions people have during Christmas and I never have. ( I even watched a Christmas movie last week!) As always my timing is impeccable.

I got my new ‘bible’- Roget’s A-Z Thesaurus. I just can’t get any geekier! I am starting to slowly accept myself as a writer or truth is told- struggling writer to be! Now we have to see what the rest of the world will think about that!

1. September

So last week our two 4 year old had their 1. September- their first show! When we were there I shared a lot of different feelings.

Young horses are like little children- you take extra care and love for them, you teach and try your best to make a "perfect horse- partner" When they arrive they are so small, so green: they don't give legs, they can't stand still, they are afraid of jumps, no water from pipe and so on. Day by day- they learn and grow - wiser, stronger- they grow into a horse. I have seen this so many times but still feel the same. I am so proud of them when they behave and stand still, jump everything, they look so different they have grown up without you even realizing that.

I also feel sad. it is like they have their own lives now, and you no longer play such a n important role. You have to slowly let them go. There is not much I can teach them anymore as a groom, the rest lays on riders shoulders. But the beginning belongs to me.

Luck for me I still have one kinder gardener. Who I left with the rider a lone for the first time in the begging of September and felt like I am leaving my baby with Nanny for the first time, kept checking my phone every few minutes. O we parents... And thats what we are:)

31.05.2011.

B-Day’s Discovery Channel

I am turning 20! The second decade of my life has officially started. You know I have never liked birthdays. For some reason they always have liked with disappointments, bad mood and even tears. So some time ago I stopped to celebrate them and it was fine with me. Nobody made too much of a deal of it (Except Lasma of courseJ), people barely remembered.

And here comes another truth. Birthdays is your one special day which kind a shows what kind of a person you are. How many greeting you get, how many long forgotten persons do remember about you? I think it shows how nice of a person you are. And when your greeting count is little it gives you more disappointment than idea that “you do not want to make a big deal of your birthday”. The truth is that no matter how much antipathy you have for this day you will more hate to be forgotten.

I was never the most popular person more like distanced from everyone. I kept myself in a safe zone where I wouldn’t have to risk being friendlier than it was needed. But almost a year in abroad has changed me- it has forced me to adapt faster, to let people in.

And it is overwhelming. The little things I experienced today. My morning started with a “birthday breakfast”. Something I had for the first time in my life. Mia came to stable early and brought me breakfast. We drank coffee and talked about schools and exams and sea sickness (since we bought are the lucky ones to have it), fears and lots of other stuff. I learned that it is something you do naturally, like a tradition. In our family we ate breakfast together like three times a year. So it sound pretty impossible but nice I have to admit. And it is a tradition I will have to bring in my family as well.

Lotte greeted me from the morning as well. She give me my present and four big Danish flags ( It is like a tradition in Denmark to use and give their flag in birthdays and pretty much at any celebration). She took these flags and put them by stable door and inside arena door. A simple gesture, but then again simple moments like this make your life worth living for. It made me feel special.

But day at work was a bizarre. Nothing seemed to go quite as easy as I would like it to go and I almost lost my hope for having a perfect birthday. There was a bizarre with changing the fields and putting a new horse in the pack in which we didn’t succeeded. My boss had to point out more things than in this half year together. I felt like a wreck by the time I was finished and had to go eat without a shower. But…

I got few messages by phone and dozen cyber net greetings, a phone call from my sister and of course a phone call I admit I was waiting the most- my other half my best friend. She can turn my mood up by just laughing. Ou I love you so much! I got few very nice presents and finely a call from my parents. And no matter how much I would tell myself I didn’t care that they wouldn’t call me I was very disappointed that by almost nine in the evening they haven’t called me yet. And then a moment before I was about to take a shower my dad called me. I did however noticed that the conversation went on and on about them. But that’s I guess is a way of coping with our bad relationships when nether one of us know what to really say.And my dad sounded even nervous. But I realized that I liked it that way. In some way I feel more grown up when I don’t have to explain my every move and that my "I know all" dad turns out to be a simple human being. So I did not said anything that would compromise it- even tiny little lies that cover my education. I was too tired to fight in the only conversation we had in months and I am happy for them. as long as they don't start to live my life for me- I am okay with this chit- chat once in 3 or 4 months.

Frankly my mother is a different story. If my dad manages to ask few questions about me as well then my mother would give me a description about bed mattresses. And you really should buy one! You know it is really good for your back! We bought this amazing mattress. And then the conversation went on about plastic plates my dad had bought a day before And what else is new here? By then I had an inside giggle: “I never asked what’s new at their life!” (Not that I don’t really care it’s just that she calls me one time in four moths and gives a description about mattress. You have to admit that that is weird and funny in the same time, but then again my mother can’t be taken serious if you do you might want to kill her) And at the end of the conversation I gave her advice how to rise my youngest sister (she is 12 and goes and does whatever she wants) Well 20 did change things! Suddenly I am capable of giving an advice for my mother on how to be a mother. (Not that I couldn’t give it her before) But I sounded more grown up to myself when I explained something so simple in my eyes. And I might be a good mother one day as well.

I enrolled in a distance learning course in freelance journalism. I made a major decision in my life. I feel like my second decade has started on good note. (Well technically it is the third decade:))

It feels like a good beginning and a good birthday. But really this day showed me the person I have became in the past year, things I have learned and the direction where I am heading. And the person who became 20 today and I discovered moment by moment is a person I actually like to be.

And for those who hate their birthdays- do not imagine this day perfect because it will never be. Things will go wrong (it was a bizarre at work today) but there will be nice moments too- so make them count by remembering them. We can’t change the world but we can change the way we look at it. Happy birthday to everybody!

25.05.2011.

Home is where your heart is...

I used to come to Copenhagen and feel different. I used to walk streets of Koge and have this certitude that everyone knows I am different- I am not from here. Although everyone seem to be okay with the fact that I am non- Danish speaking person, some even found it very attractive still I felt like I quite don’t belong. And it wasn’t like I didn’t like it, most of the time I found it funny and refreshing. I used to make an excuses I wasn’t from here- so I didn’t had to speak or really understand them speaking. I had an excuse to not know towns, roads and buses.

Yesterday I went to shop to buy some batteries for my mp3 and I cashier started to speak with me. He asked for a change because he didn’t have anything to give me back. Even if I didn’t understood the words particularly I understood what he meant. And when he was waiting for me to answer I told him the same phrase I wear like an old sweeter (the one who protects you, makes your excuses). But I felt guilty and to be honest I no longer felt different. The society had accepted me- I had adapted and changed so much that I no longer felt like someone from abroad- I felt like Danish.

It is frightening in the same time- almost too easy to become someone else. Or am I? It is almost too easy sometimes to forget from witch country I am originally, almost too easy to dress myself in this new mentality.

I live here for 9 months now. And it make me wonder- is it possible to be born in the wrong country? And if not do I betray my nationality by finding my heart elsewhere? I grew up in a society who hasn’t forgot that they have been captured and they had to fight their freedom. And with “national patriotism” as a mantra we were brain washed. There is no better place than home, but isn’t home where is your heart? I think it took me all this time to get over this “if you leave Latvia you are lost and mole”. Now I can look back knowing that they was wrong and right in the same time.

There is nothing for me back in Latvia. I have found happiness (as corny as it sounds it is true). I belong outside Latvia. Am simply born in the wrong dot on the map and leaving is best I could ever do. But this cure doesn’t work for everybody. Most of them were meant to be born inside and their hearts do belong there. My home is somewhere else.

What happens when you find your missing piece?

Missing pieces

In life there are these happiness moments where time stands still and you don’t mind. At these moments sky seems to be bluer and sun brighter. Normally it happens when something some peace falls in where it is supposed to be. It is the click when you turn the key and the door opens. It is the moments we get the message from universe. That we find ourselves in the right place at the right time and the radio plays the right songs. Moments like this I can’t stop smiling. Moments like this you can do anything but you don’t have to…

Today I found my missing piece. When I left Latvia last June I wanted to find something. I was confused, skeptical and unhappy. I had no idea who I was and what I wanted to do. My head was staffed with ideas that I have to study and study something I can make a living of, not really caring if I love that. I was afraid and all I dreamt of was getting away. Somehow I knew that if I stayed I would drown myself in sorrow and grayness. It was like all the shadows were hiding in the back of my mind.

And when I went away I found a person I knew nothing about. I met her when I landed in Copenhagen’s airport. Yes, she was scared and unconfident. But during this journey she grew like burgeon into flower. Colors and life started to reflect in her eyes. She changed. It is a wonderful journey in which I found out who is she.

And today she and I became one person- we found our missing peace. And it is writing. During the last week I have become from ‘I just want to be a writer’ to ‘I actually do something to be a writer’ and it feel good. I am reading and writing to train my fingers and I am studying the art of creating plot and characters will (hopefully) stay in mind. And that’s it. At this point I do not care f I will ever be published – I just want to write. I think I was domed to this when I was four or five years oldJ when my grandma tried to teach me how to read and I (lazy I know) read the story by looking at the pictures. My grandma figured that out and started to put a hand on pictures while reading. And the thing is that I always have liked to tell the stories. So I think I should do that. And I should finely read some of Stephens King’s booksJ.

Anyway I hope there is a chance for everyone to find his missing pieceJ!

P.S. I will write how things in stable are in the next blog:)

dressing off...

So like I promise on twitter here come a blog. It has been a busy week. Days have been running in an incredible speed, but in short…

Last Sunday we came back from a quite a big show which took place in Fredericia Which by the way is my number one show right after JBK show in Odense. I liked this show for many reasons. First of all everything was there and it was well organized. Lorry, well it was standing next to the stable (it couldn’t possibly be closer). Our horses were right in the middle of the stable so I didn’t had to go a long way after water. Our neighbors were so nice. Everyone learned very fast that I am not (still) speaking Danish so they were speaking in English. And I realized that it is true- with every show I gain my confidence as a groom. And this show is special also because it honored groom’s work by giving them free lunch ( which by the way was like a restaurantJ) and also calling 3 first place winner grooms to prize ceremony and giving them something too.

Unfortunately, since the luck this time wasn’t really on our side I didn’t have a chance to go to this prize ceremony. But it didn’t ruin the show in any matter at least for meJ! And it was exciting to wash classes’ not to mention scary too. Classes were difficult and very technical. And lot of good Denmark’s riders was attending so it was quite a showJ. They had a six bar (for those who do not know what six bar is it is six jumps in row and riders are competed on how high they can jump) that completely tested my nerves well it was more like a four bar since there were only four jumps (arena was too small for six) and the highest jump was 1. 80m. But it is still high and scary. But anyways I think this show is worth to go if you have a chance to – no matter if you want to simply watch or test your master hood.:)

On Monday we were going to one of my bosses (the youngest daughter- A) birthday. It was a close family sitting in her small but completely adorable apartment. I felt a little uneven from the beginning. But the atmosphere changed it. And I looked as they met long time none seen grandmas and grandpa. And there was something magical- I couldn’t stop smiling. My Danish is poor so I couldn’t understand most of the thing the spoke but for some reason I felt good. Well it could be partly because of the call I received from my best part of me Mandy (I have changed her name for a privacy reasons). With a simple “O sweetheart- you are perfect did you know that?” She swept me of my feet. And what I love about her is that still after all these years of friendship where we practically know each other she still manage to surprise me by telling me the things I need to hear in the right moment….

That is how friendship works and how I imagine true love should work…

On Tuesdays evening I went to Copenhagen because I had an appointment in Latvian embassy for changing my passport. So I stayed at my friends place. And to honest her house is a place I imagine to live one day (something similar not that house of courseJ) It has big wide windows it is simple but still modern, and it has its personal library since my friends mom is a journalist ( I guess I just met a connote soul). But they are always very welcoming and make my stay there very pleasant.

As it comes to Copenhagen- I love this town! I breathe it in inch by inch. What I like about big cities is that in small doses they serve us life. There is not one corner where somebody wouldn’t do their everyday routine. The center is full of people and cafes and shops. I met up with my friend Erin (I also have changed her name) and we went around the shops and have a cafe latte in a very nice cafe. What I realized about myself is that finding a way in Copenhagen s quite natural for me when finding the right buss in Riga is almost impossible for me. And what I love about Denmark is people. They are kind and helpful( with some exceptions of course) J!

And finely on Saturday I went to my other bosses birthday. And as sat there once again not understanding a word I realized that there are two kinds of languages we offer. One is what we understand most it’s I speak Latvian you Danish or English. But the other language is the body and behavior language we might not notice if we speak in same language. What I saw and felt was an acceptation. I felt accepted. And suddenly the things that make me different ( big earrings I wear, dress that is not so formal) and uncomfortable from the beginning becomes a part of me I like and I accept myself as I am. And it is a strange thing that when you feel happy and accepted and do your thing- clothes (that usually serves as our way to fit in or to hid our selves or to call for attention) doesn’t matter. You smile and talk and enjoy yourself not thinking about that you don’t have the fanciest dress or the most expensive necklace and earrings. And it sets you free. Turns out there are more ways of being addicted than we think and on the right path we take them off one by one.

So good night everyone…

changes

I guess it has finely become a time for me to do some writing. It has been almost nine months since I left Latvia and seven since I live here in Denmark. And sometimes even if there is not much happening beyond the surface there is a big iceberg moving under it.

There is an important thing that we all are afraid of. It is the change. Somehow it is in human’s nature to try to stop things from changing. We are afraid to get out of our familiar causality even if it makes us miserable. Right now all I can remember is trying to get out. Get as far away as I possibly can. And when it finely happened I was freaked out. First two months was tough and not only because I had a creapy job and things didn’t worked out the way I liked. But now when I look back I realize that those two months were my breaking point. In the same way it happens with all the young horses in breaking in process. They intend to fight the change, the struggle to keep things like they used to be. And after this breaking point they emotionally accept the change and start to work with people not against it. They develop trust that if it’s not broken will guide them through their lives.

So I needed these two months to break myself and accept the change. And what I develop after my breaking point was a trust, but since I already had burned myself and been betrayed it is not the thing that comes so easily. But I have learned that there is good in world and that there was good in my life all along.

Today I understand that no matter what- you can’t run away from your past. There will always be a moment when you will have to be brave and face it, after all life has this ability to cycle. And no matter how hard you try you can’t get rid of the people that have hurt you ( like family), because from time to time you will think about them, about what have happened, and even if you don’t want to admit running away still provide an ability to control you in a deep emotional way. But what I also understand that that it is possible that these people never meant to hurt you just to help you in the only way that they knew. Today we cannot exist side by side. But one day they will have to accept their breaking point as well and then who knows.

But what I have learned in these nine months that instead of running away I ended up moving on. I am changing with every day. And first time in m y life I don’t fight it. And I believe that it is the first step on finding my own way. But to move on means to forgive and let go of past (it only hunts us because we refuse to let go). And that is more difficult that it sounds. But I guess it takes time. And that is the only thing I have. Now that I am moving on I can become whatever I am meant to be and even if it is not today I will let it go… indeed I already have started to let go…

And I wonder how wise I have become in these nine months. J And soon is my birthday- I am turning 20. And I should feel old (that’s what most of people in my age feel – have no idea why) but instead I feel young- my life is only about to start. Andin few years I will be even wiser that today. That’s the thing about future- you will never know- you will have to let it happenJ…