What happens when you find your missing piece?

Missing pieces

In life there are these happiness moments where time stands still and you don’t mind. At these moments sky seems to be bluer and sun brighter. Normally it happens when something some peace falls in where it is supposed to be. It is the click when you turn the key and the door opens. It is the moments we get the message from universe. That we find ourselves in the right place at the right time and the radio plays the right songs. Moments like this I can’t stop smiling. Moments like this you can do anything but you don’t have to…

Today I found my missing piece. When I left Latvia last June I wanted to find something. I was confused, skeptical and unhappy. I had no idea who I was and what I wanted to do. My head was staffed with ideas that I have to study and study something I can make a living of, not really caring if I love that. I was afraid and all I dreamt of was getting away. Somehow I knew that if I stayed I would drown myself in sorrow and grayness. It was like all the shadows were hiding in the back of my mind.

And when I went away I found a person I knew nothing about. I met her when I landed in Copenhagen’s airport. Yes, she was scared and unconfident. But during this journey she grew like burgeon into flower. Colors and life started to reflect in her eyes. She changed. It is a wonderful journey in which I found out who is she.

And today she and I became one person- we found our missing peace. And it is writing. During the last week I have become from ‘I just want to be a writer’ to ‘I actually do something to be a writer’ and it feel good. I am reading and writing to train my fingers and I am studying the art of creating plot and characters will (hopefully) stay in mind. And that’s it. At this point I do not care f I will ever be published – I just want to write. I think I was domed to this when I was four or five years oldJ when my grandma tried to teach me how to read and I (lazy I know) read the story by looking at the pictures. My grandma figured that out and started to put a hand on pictures while reading. And the thing is that I always have liked to tell the stories. So I think I should do that. And I should finely read some of Stephens King’s booksJ.

Anyway I hope there is a chance for everyone to find his missing pieceJ!

P.S. I will write how things in stable are in the next blog:)

dressing off...

So like I promise on twitter here come a blog. It has been a busy week. Days have been running in an incredible speed, but in short…

Last Sunday we came back from a quite a big show which took place in Fredericia Which by the way is my number one show right after JBK show in Odense. I liked this show for many reasons. First of all everything was there and it was well organized. Lorry, well it was standing next to the stable (it couldn’t possibly be closer). Our horses were right in the middle of the stable so I didn’t had to go a long way after water. Our neighbors were so nice. Everyone learned very fast that I am not (still) speaking Danish so they were speaking in English. And I realized that it is true- with every show I gain my confidence as a groom. And this show is special also because it honored groom’s work by giving them free lunch ( which by the way was like a restaurantJ) and also calling 3 first place winner grooms to prize ceremony and giving them something too.

Unfortunately, since the luck this time wasn’t really on our side I didn’t have a chance to go to this prize ceremony. But it didn’t ruin the show in any matter at least for meJ! And it was exciting to wash classes’ not to mention scary too. Classes were difficult and very technical. And lot of good Denmark’s riders was attending so it was quite a showJ. They had a six bar (for those who do not know what six bar is it is six jumps in row and riders are competed on how high they can jump) that completely tested my nerves well it was more like a four bar since there were only four jumps (arena was too small for six) and the highest jump was 1. 80m. But it is still high and scary. But anyways I think this show is worth to go if you have a chance to – no matter if you want to simply watch or test your master hood.:)

On Monday we were going to one of my bosses (the youngest daughter- A) birthday. It was a close family sitting in her small but completely adorable apartment. I felt a little uneven from the beginning. But the atmosphere changed it. And I looked as they met long time none seen grandmas and grandpa. And there was something magical- I couldn’t stop smiling. My Danish is poor so I couldn’t understand most of the thing the spoke but for some reason I felt good. Well it could be partly because of the call I received from my best part of me Mandy (I have changed her name for a privacy reasons). With a simple “O sweetheart- you are perfect did you know that?” She swept me of my feet. And what I love about her is that still after all these years of friendship where we practically know each other she still manage to surprise me by telling me the things I need to hear in the right moment….

That is how friendship works and how I imagine true love should work…

On Tuesdays evening I went to Copenhagen because I had an appointment in Latvian embassy for changing my passport. So I stayed at my friends place. And to honest her house is a place I imagine to live one day (something similar not that house of courseJ) It has big wide windows it is simple but still modern, and it has its personal library since my friends mom is a journalist ( I guess I just met a connote soul). But they are always very welcoming and make my stay there very pleasant.

As it comes to Copenhagen- I love this town! I breathe it in inch by inch. What I like about big cities is that in small doses they serve us life. There is not one corner where somebody wouldn’t do their everyday routine. The center is full of people and cafes and shops. I met up with my friend Erin (I also have changed her name) and we went around the shops and have a cafe latte in a very nice cafe. What I realized about myself is that finding a way in Copenhagen s quite natural for me when finding the right buss in Riga is almost impossible for me. And what I love about Denmark is people. They are kind and helpful( with some exceptions of course) J!

And finely on Saturday I went to my other bosses birthday. And as sat there once again not understanding a word I realized that there are two kinds of languages we offer. One is what we understand most it’s I speak Latvian you Danish or English. But the other language is the body and behavior language we might not notice if we speak in same language. What I saw and felt was an acceptation. I felt accepted. And suddenly the things that make me different ( big earrings I wear, dress that is not so formal) and uncomfortable from the beginning becomes a part of me I like and I accept myself as I am. And it is a strange thing that when you feel happy and accepted and do your thing- clothes (that usually serves as our way to fit in or to hid our selves or to call for attention) doesn’t matter. You smile and talk and enjoy yourself not thinking about that you don’t have the fanciest dress or the most expensive necklace and earrings. And it sets you free. Turns out there are more ways of being addicted than we think and on the right path we take them off one by one.

So good night everyone…

changes

I guess it has finely become a time for me to do some writing. It has been almost nine months since I left Latvia and seven since I live here in Denmark. And sometimes even if there is not much happening beyond the surface there is a big iceberg moving under it.

There is an important thing that we all are afraid of. It is the change. Somehow it is in human’s nature to try to stop things from changing. We are afraid to get out of our familiar causality even if it makes us miserable. Right now all I can remember is trying to get out. Get as far away as I possibly can. And when it finely happened I was freaked out. First two months was tough and not only because I had a creapy job and things didn’t worked out the way I liked. But now when I look back I realize that those two months were my breaking point. In the same way it happens with all the young horses in breaking in process. They intend to fight the change, the struggle to keep things like they used to be. And after this breaking point they emotionally accept the change and start to work with people not against it. They develop trust that if it’s not broken will guide them through their lives.

So I needed these two months to break myself and accept the change. And what I develop after my breaking point was a trust, but since I already had burned myself and been betrayed it is not the thing that comes so easily. But I have learned that there is good in world and that there was good in my life all along.

Today I understand that no matter what- you can’t run away from your past. There will always be a moment when you will have to be brave and face it, after all life has this ability to cycle. And no matter how hard you try you can’t get rid of the people that have hurt you ( like family), because from time to time you will think about them, about what have happened, and even if you don’t want to admit running away still provide an ability to control you in a deep emotional way. But what I also understand that that it is possible that these people never meant to hurt you just to help you in the only way that they knew. Today we cannot exist side by side. But one day they will have to accept their breaking point as well and then who knows.

But what I have learned in these nine months that instead of running away I ended up moving on. I am changing with every day. And first time in m y life I don’t fight it. And I believe that it is the first step on finding my own way. But to move on means to forgive and let go of past (it only hunts us because we refuse to let go). And that is more difficult that it sounds. But I guess it takes time. And that is the only thing I have. Now that I am moving on I can become whatever I am meant to be and even if it is not today I will let it go… indeed I already have started to let go…

And I wonder how wise I have become in these nine months. J And soon is my birthday- I am turning 20. And I should feel old (that’s what most of people in my age feel – have no idea why) but instead I feel young- my life is only about to start. Andin few years I will be even wiser that today. That’s the thing about future- you will never know- you will have to let it happenJ…