Dear Diary,

What I have realized is that most of my posts, well okay, almost all of them are about being happy. How it slowly sneaked up on me. And I feel like I haven't been 100% honest neither with you who reads this nor with myself. Almost nothing in this journey of self-discovery "Just happened"! I have bad days too, painful realizations, kicks in the stomach, shameful experiences. Once in a while something incredible happened and it helped to set things in motion, but so those the bad things.
In all this time I haven't been writing I have been dealing with life's not so pleasant reality. I have been chasing the meaning of life or it was chasing me, depends from which side it looks. So I could confess now...
About the time I went to LV for my vacation and came back home and visited bank to find out how much money I had on my bank account (since I have to start paying for my driver's license) I had to sit on my ass and think about my life. For over 6 months I have been telling everybody that I'm thinking about going to Canada at the end of the year. That's what my 10 year old dream requires.
But to honest I hadn't really started to plan anything. Hadn't started anything or finished for that matter. Something always holds me back. I'm kind a like floating around, thinking that I have a goal to fallow. But do I?
A friend of mine told me that: "Canada it's not a matter of if, it is more like when!" It eased my mind yesterday when I was having a really bad day. I'm starting to wonder that if everything happens for a  reason- why am I still here? When I came to Denmark I came for a half a year and now I've been here soon for two. And in the meantime it grows on me.
Would it be wrong to want to stay longer? Wouldn't I betray my dream?

Emily

Make the difference!

Dear Diary,

A while ago I read this book called " A Sister's Promise" by Karen Lanfaster where the main character has this dream about being an artist but she have never pursued it. She is married and has no children. When she goes to visit her husbands parents she learns that his mother used to be an artist but gave it all up to rise her son. When she talks about it with her husband he asks a very simple question that really got under my skin. "What is your excuse?" She didn't had anything to hold her back from her dreams but herself. She chose to never try.
It bothered me- this question. Isn't that we always make some kind of excuses for ourselves? I cannot ride grand prix because I don't have the horse, money, opportunity.. etc. I mean there is so many things we will not have in life. Nothing, after all, comes on a silver plate. Zig Ziglar have once said: "It's not what you've got, it's what you use that makes a difference."
We all have something to start with, maybe you know someone who has horses and need help, maybe you can go and work somewhere for a while gain some experience and later apply to your own work. I mean if you are in the horse world head over heels- then you have at least one thing to start from. Your passion. Take your vision, dream and make it your goal.
Question yourself! Why I'm not as good I wanted to be? Did I do that right? Was that the right move? And don't be afraid to be wrong. Ask yourself why and how I can make it better? What can I do next time to improve my, my horses, my stables performance. If there is something I have learned in these two years then it is that we all have opportunities. It's what we do with them that makes the difference.
I went running last week, I've been running for a while now and I got to my breaking point. The same 6 km I did just week ago were painful and as hard as it could get. But I made it- without stopping. Cannot remember when was the last time I was fighting for something as hard as in that run. Trust me I wanted to quite. But around the 4th km I realized that I will never make it if i will think that I wont. Did I wanted to make it? Hell Yeah! So I changed my thinking. I repeated myself over and over again: "You can do it! Fight for it! You want this!" And I did it.
What I want to say with it is that I used to be the flow. But to get somewhere- YOU WILL HAVE TO FIGHT for it!

-Emily

Voyage

Dear Diary,

I didn't sleep well, had some sort of dream concerning blogging and my sister. Of course, I woke up with a headache. It was early enough to still manage to hate my next door neighbor for sleeping trough her awful alarm. Small pieces of a conversation came back to my mind. I took my phone- had to check! Yeah, my dream wasn't really a dream. Indeed my sister called me late last night; Don't worry I got back to her by calling 6 a. m. ( I devil in me cheered when I woke her up) Anyway the message was something like: "You should write a blog, I want to read something!"
It is funny 'cose yesterday I already wrote a post on my other blog. And yeah once again I haven't wrote for a while. I needed to get trough some things.
I've been wondering all day what it is I'm writing about, since it is and isn't about horses. And here is what I got:
On June 16, 2010 I took a flight to Brussels. That is where my journey started. Almost all of you have heard about backpack travels or at least watched "In to the Wild" ( I have to confess I saw it only few days ago). These kind of travels change you inside out, you meet people along the way and it is priceless, you learn something new. So this is what it is- my own ultimate backpack travel. A journey towards something I'm not sure about yet. I'll probably know it when i get there but why grooming diaries? Simple- my travel walks hand in hand with horses. It is a way how I travel around the world.
So maybe this is for those who longs to put themselves trough this kind of emotional, spiritual and sometimes mind wrecking journey! Or it is for those who have walked this path before and now sees the similarities. Or maybe you are horse lover to whom this is a lifestyle but who ever you are, I hope you like it and you will gain something from this.
Because my journay is not over... Not just yet:)

Bear with me!
 Emily (Zane)


Photo:Linda M

Perfect matches

Dear Diary,

I was thinking about matchmaking today. In equine world there are many different combinations of matches. The rider and horse, the boss and employee, Groom and rider. We all want to find that perfect horse where it just goes. Frankly it doesn’t always happen therefore we have adapted- we have learned to do it anyway and somehow find a way. I’m not saying we shouldn’t but some pairs work together better than others and thank God for that otherwise we wouldn’t have marriages. What I’m trying to say is that this matchmaking goes pretty much for everything.

I have groomed for few riders and I have seen my fare share of horses to know that no matter how good you are there are couples who beats the forces of nature. What one can do easily other can’t. It reminds me of two young geldings we had few years ago when I still owned my horse and from time to time helped out my trainer. My trainer couldn’t put anything on one of them when I never ever had a problem and it went otherwise with the other gelding. I don’t think I remember one time I could get a head collar on that horses head- my trainer had no problems.

Today I was thinking how easy it goes for me today with my rider. Weather it is a perfect match or he is simply easy going and no one have any problem remains a mystery. But I know that I’m glad to enjoy it and I’m starting to get thirsty to get to some shows. I feel rested and waked up from the winter’s sleep.

And now you: What perfect matches have life handed for you? Has there ever been a horse only you can do something with for no good reason? A rider, maybe?
Picture of The Red cat (a.k.a.Garfield) at my old workplace;)

Emily

We are family!

So this weekend is the Open day in Helgstrand dressage. For the last three days we have been scrubbing, washing and cleaning. We have gone trough to all the possible stages that a team can go through on its way to a big event that’s been held at home. I know it because it isn’t the first for me. With a different set of people I have went through endless hours of painting and cleaning and even flower bedding (And if you think that it is funny think twice I hated flowers for weeks). These kinds of events really bring people together- mold the team. Today I realized that I have the opportunity to work with one of the best teams in top level stables and see past the Professional veneer. Today everything was working like a ticking clock. I’m truly amazed- we are a more than a team- we are a family! :) 

Never the same!

Dear diary,

I have been taking care of Lote’s Happy Luiss for this week. Yesterday we had this awesome two hour walk in the forest. Today I just jumped on my rider’s private 3 year old he hasn’t ridden outside once and I dared to walk Happy alone on the field with long reins. I know for most of folk’s it might sound ridiculous. But when you have had this really bad experience with one horse and then wrapped yourself up in a cocoon where playing safe dominates it is a big deal. I felt like myself again the person who could jump up on all kinds of stupid horses and just do what was supposed to be done.

This journey abroad has given me an opportunity to deal with the past’s skeletons, to overcome some of my fears. Now I feel like the last step to a fool recovery could be my riding. During the last few years saying no have became more and more easy. Being afraid is a lot easier. Playing safe too. But the trick is that you miss out on so much.

Today we walked with Lote and one of her sentences got to me. After my black gelding and our failures I will never be the same. „But you shouldn’t be the same!” That’s what Lote told me. So simple. It got me thinking. Life doesn’t happen to give you an opportunity for no reason. I never really got over thinking that changing my mare for my black gelding was a big mistake. I don’t regret it but it was a mistake. What if it wasn’t? What if this experience had to change me in this drastic way and I’m yet to discover all it has brought to me.

I would like to say that it have made me stronger when indeed I felt more scared than ever. Maybe the whole point is to reconstruct my confidence, my feeling on the horse. Maybe this baby step that comes in my way is a way of really getting up. And my desperate attempts to be who I was before that is pointless because I shouldn’t be the same anymore. The movie Soul surfer comes to my mind. The girl so desperately focused on the fact that she will never be the same that she couldn’t see from the beginning that she doesn’t have to. Instead she had an opportunity to do things differently and embrace more people with her one arm that she could ever had with two.

I didn’t lose an arm, I lost my confidence. And I will never be the same! And for the first time in a very long time I think it is a good thing! :)  

In photo: Me and Happy!

One step at the time...

Dear diary,
So I just finished my second assaignment for school. The task was to write a feature based on the magazine I was analyzing. So I desided to write about something I know really well and people haven't really talked about- therefore work abroad.
I have been living and working as a groom outside my home country for nearly 2 years. And I wonder what happens in our heads? There is a wide set of emotions we get to go through every day. What is the difference between me back in 2010 and me today?
2 years ago I was that shy girl who get to be tossed around in the stables and not fully trusted. I slaved my ass off. I spend 2 long months patiently keeping my mouth shut. Grooming then was everything I imagined it NOT to be. Now imagine my dissapointment! But I wasn't to give up.
People sometimes think it is so much different from riding when in reality apple doesn't fall far from the three. Groom has to build his competence and knowlage one step at a time. We have to be patient and we have to take care of everything. I used to think everybody can be a groom but it is far from truth. Today I have worked my way up to a top level stable. And only now I understand that just like your horse wont jump 1.40 m straight away or won't be able to make flying changes on two temps in a split second you wount be trusted and coun't as a professional. You will have to work your ass off. The same way we all do. And there will be sucrifacies But note that in the end it all just pays off.
So I'm good to go and have a nice walk with Happy!:)